If you want to see a live example of a good friendship getting blown to pieces, you could read it all in the last entry below, plus the subsequent comments.

and i admit that i swung the first blow to wreck it.

There was so much suspicion on my part, and last night i was so exasperated and frustrated that i could not sleep, and i had to write it all out to cool my head. we should never write when we are in the peak of anger, because the fury would bias your judgement, and everything that was neutral would turn black. you would think that everyone was trying to hurt you and i ended up managing to persuade myself that it was all a gang up.

now that i have cooled down, and can think straight, it does sound ridiculous and doesn't make sense. It was ridiculous because "trapping someone to pay" is a mo-liu trick, and i don't think anyone would actually deliberately think it up to do it to someone.

i realized i am a very paranoid person. It is true, that i constantly think people are continuously bitching about me, at work, at disc, everywhere. i don't think i can help it. the best i can do is to ask for a third person opinion. Its very confusing. I go to an event, and i intepret the situation. the problem is, i will never know for sure how to intepret things... unless you find out. sometimes, i chose not to find out and hope for the best. but then on this occasion i chose to find out. and then i realize that i have intepreted it wrongly and managed to hurt alot of people along the way.

Its been a long time since i turned this paranoia against my own friends, and i realize the damage it has done. To be honest, when i skimmed through the subsequent comments, I felt kind of relieved that my friends were not as cruel and insensitive as i thought they were during the party, and that they were good and true after all. The irony is, simultaneous in me finding this out, i am also wrecking the friendship. so by the time the truth is out, all is also lost.

yol & Jazzo:

I am sorry for what i have thought before and the horrible words i wrote. You guys put alot of effort to throw a good party, and somehow, despite your good intentions, i managed to read black out of it all. It was a good party, and alot of thought went into it...with all the costumes, sideburns, cake and all. You guys went out of your way to take lots of photos for the sake of everyone's future memory, sending out invites, text reminders, to make everyone look forward to the celebration. Admittedly, i would not have been able to invest in the effort, and I have rarely thrown so much effort for the sake of the WIS bunch so far. I guess i have failed in my part as a friend in terms of trust, and actually being there for people, and showing up at events, and i am insanely stupid on my priorities (yes. i admit that i was tempted to leave yol's bday dinner early for disc), and sometimes how i give you guys attitude and throw tauntrums for making me stay past my bedtime. i don't know how much more occasions where somehow i have taken you girls for granted.

but all in all. i apologize for my paranoia and the bitchy words i wrote. i am not sure what else i could say to make the situation better. only that i now realize that i was wrong, and was wrong to think so ill of you guys. maybe i should learn to appreciate the good side of people more and trust more. i think that one of the qualities of a 'friend' is that they will always have your best interests at heart, and that they will look out for you, and watch your back. i guess if i jsut kept more of this definition inside my brain, i wouldn't have let the paranoia and suspicion take over so easily. i don't know... well for once more, I am sorry with all my heart and if i was given another chance to live last night, i would not have written those words.

i'll stick around as your friend, if you girls still want to take me back.

kat

I know what you guys think. I know that you think i am cheap and stingy.

"kat has been working the longest out of all of us, she makes the most, why does she gets so sqiurmy over a HKD600 birthday dinner, for friends that she has known for 15 years? We don't even do that. and we haven't even started working yet."

I am so shocked over all of this i don't even know where to start. I feel disappointed that my friends of 15 yrs fail to show some sensitivity to different value systems.

 - Maybe i am not rich enough to roll with you guys. I don't have the disposable income to fling cash at HKD600 dinners without feeling a wink. - yes even after two years of work, i don't have that kind of money to do that okay? I eat crap for lunch, i eat crap for dinner (if i stay behind in the office). I even eat crap when i go out with my guy. 

Do you want to know how i experienced dinner tonight?  This was what was going through my head after the whole thing ended (and i would be very happy if someone could tell me that this was not the truth, and that i am over analysing things) :

 - You guys think i purposefully skipped dinner coz i didn't wanna fork out money to pay for dinner and that i was being cheap by just showing up for drinks. The fact is, today i did stay behind for work. and it was necessary to do so. I left work at 10pm, and the only one reason i showed up after dinner was because yol was the cohost, and yol was a friend that i valued highly. that was the only reason i bothered coming at all. I did not want to upset yol.

I go to the building, and i bump into Arthur and Ray and Leung having a ciggy break downstairs. i ask how was it going upstairs and whether they have finished eating. i told them blankily that i was coming to drinks.  Arthur says smth along the lines of "they are still serving noodles upstairs, if you go, be prepared put down 400 at least". Leung adds "kat you work the longsst out of all of us....why are you sensitive?"

I ignore them and just go up anyway.  and when i go up to meet you guys, do you know what i see?

I see leftovers of the dinner. and then you tell the waiter to serve noodles, and then tell me to eat. Eat kat. Eat the left overs, eat the noodle.

Do you know what i think? I think you guys deliberately did this, as some sort of wierd retaliation .- serve the last course only when kat gets here, to force her into the dinner... if kat eats one bite of the food, she'll have to fork out her share. 

You know what? the fact that i prepared to show up, I was already prepared to share the bill, whether i ate or not. I would voluntarily share the bill because it was Arthur's birthday, and it is my present to him.  It was irrelevant whether i ate or not.

But the fact that you guys foreced this on me. it really really sucked. really. if you really wanted to "save" some food for me, you would take out a portion of each dish and put it on a separate bowl before you ate.... The only thing i saw, was that you invited me to eat your leftover food and a bowl of plain noodles.

what was that supposed to mean? how else could i intepret the situation? What? you guys think i was being too cheap and was trying to skip paying dinner, so you thought you could pull this trick on to me to trap me into paying? - as some form of punishment? I don't even know what other explaination was there.

and you tell me that i undermine our 15 years of friendship? Do you think if you were my real "friend" you would do some cheap shit like that to me?

Dude. my friends of 2 years don't even do that to me. Friends don't look down on other ppl because they don't value expensive dinners.

You know what? i am tired and sick of this bullshit. I am fed up with it. I do not value expensive dinners, and i am uncomfortable with this. end of story. my value system is different from yours.  if you think that makes me too cheap for you, and you can't even tolerate this flaw in my personality despite our "15 years of friendship" then fuck it. You don't have do be my friend.

15 years of friendship. fuck. you guys value it even less than me.

I purchased a whole new outfit this weekend!!

Friday -  I brought this summery girly dress with Freda...and i loooooovveee ittt.

Freda's dress was pretty too :))

Sunday - Managed to buy a white scarf to match the dress.... and i lovveeee ittt too  ..hehehe. kudos to yol who helped me pick it out! (altho yes, i have to admit, the purple scarf IS pretty too....)

and also took sticker pics!!  *woot*

- yep, at the old age of 20+ i still love to take sticker pics!

Sundays - are for staying at home and feeling bored....

Things I would have really really liked to do this Sunday (AND last sunday) but had no chance of doing :

1. Hang out on the beach: Yes. i went to play beach disc on Saturday afternoon, but that was only from 4pm onwards, so I didn't stay that long... so that's why i won't MORE beach sessions on Sunday.

I really really wanted to go to the beach on Sundays...really.  - However, being in HK, most HK ppl do not like beaches, (in fact they prefer to stay in an air-conditioned environment) which means asking ppl to accompany me on beach trips are extremely difficult.

Beaches are super relaxing...you just lie there, look at the sea, and read a book. :)

2. Go to Stanley: Well its a sunny afternoon and I want to be out of the house. and enjoy it. So i was planning, maybe i could just go and walk through Stanely by myself...but of course, everytime i think of doing that its 4pm already...which means by the time i arrive at Stanley it will be 5pm...which means the sun will be going down anyway. =_=

Yea so instead of doing these two things, i just stick in my house and feel bored because i am too much of a loner and I have wierd interests and nobody shares my hobbies.

And er. yea i am obssessed with going out and feeling the sun because I spend 5 days a week buried inside a building, 15 steps to the closest window, and i just don't get to look out. It just feels like i am rotting in jail.

so yea. weekends are precious. but i spend them by sitting at home and doing nothing. GREAT.

My one and only complaint with disc is...

...it makes eating dinner alot harder. if you eat too much (i tried chowing down one entire QQ rice ball 1.5hrs prior to the disc game..i thot that with the extra burst of energy from the heavy carbs, i would be able to fly across the pitch) you end up feeling like puking the entire rice ball back out, half way through the game,..

...if you eat too little (i also tried just eating a McD chicken SALAD, ie. NO carbs) 1.5 hrs prior to disc game, i end up with shaking hands, weak knees, and a growling stomach, and a desire to just faint.

today i had...a bun with sweet pumkin stuffing, a starbucks english breakfast tea, plus a mini-bruchetta. When i was walking to the game... i felt the bruchetta floating around on a sea of english breakfast tea in my stomach... and it was rocking pretty badly and i felt kind of sick (luckily no puking)

i forgot about it during the game

Now its AFTER the game...and i have the starvation of an ethopian kid in my stomach... GRAH!